old letter i wrote to somebody, i must have been 17

aight, so i'm gon' write a bit about what's been on my mind lately.

well, first of all i enjoy my friendship with my best friend, joshua.
it's to me a funny friendship, sometimes i feel good when i left him,
sometimes i feel bad.

today i went into a store and asked them if they wanted to donate a gift
to my american football team, actually i asked for joshua, because i don't
play american football. anyways, joshua said i sounded insecure and talked
to fast when i introduced myself. i thought i sounded normal, i didn't really
give it a big thought. and yeah, i felt bad afterwards, i always do after
such situations, you know? 'cause you realize there's something people are
extremely good at, and you suck at it, and this was just one little thing,
and my consciousness tells me there are thousand more...so i think, if i
don't get into these situations, by not askin' others opinion about how i seemed,
etc. i'd be more content with myself. but on the other side, i'm very fascinated
by these things, and the truth, and being talented in, this case, just havin'
a good voice, etc.

i mean, some would say i just want to be everything. maybe, but it's small things,
and would like to spend my time, or some of it at least, tryin' to make them
better, even if it made me remember reality, which means i'm not some krazy
dope human. i mean, i read alotta men have high confidence cos their image
of themselves differs mad much from "what it really is"...and the reason
that females have lower confidence is that they're mroe in touch with reality.
anyways, fuck dat. i'm also trying to say that what i see in art, is that you
have to sacrifice for life's goal, happyness.....i mean, that's pretty simple.
life's goal is happyness. although i think there are so many things to distract it,
things you belive will make you happy, but wont, and stuff. anyways, back
to the artist thing...my girl said you can't push creativity, pretty true i think.
but you can constantly be aware of yourself and your actions, let's not talk
one specific interest (paintin, rhyming, skiing, etc), but just life in general as
an artform...if you notice and ask everybody and try to find out and get better
at all the things u in the first place noticed, you are pushing yourself. and
you are destined to become better, i guess..or maybe it just comes natural, if you
just live and relax..but i guess i can't do that..what i mean, is like...if i
started rhyming heavily...i know i'd feel so bad when i didn't live up to my
own expectations, which i wouldn't often..maybe that just has to do with my
high expectations of myself, or that i approach rhyming wrong.

i dunno, i've been called wannabe-artist by a guy once...and by peoples statements
about me, i could have been called it just as well a few times more...i dunno.
doesn't people who are doing some kinda art-shit want to be artist? or at least
good? maybe u're a wannabe-artist all the way, untill you've done so much dope
shit that people respect you...i guess so. it's a hard way accomplishing "master"
in different areas of life....if i look back at how i came into hip hop, i was
actin' so..."stupid"?..i mean, if i saw people act like that now, i'd think
"what a jerk" or something....i tryed to be down. my opinions. my look at people in
hip hop. my ..dunno..everything...today i felt kinda the same, cos i went out
to alotta advertising companies to hand them a paper where i was applying
for an apprenticeship....most of the times became kinda akward, cos i didn't know
how "their" culture worekd...stuff like ringin on the doorbell, and them answering,
i didn't know how much to say or how little..and when i handed it over, i didn't know
if to ask for the boss, or just give it to the receptionist,etc...lack of experience...
naturally i guess...but it's just funny, cos now i know i don't rule in this area of my life,
introducing myself to advertising companies, and i know pretty much that if i was, where
i am with hip hop today, in the advertingsing game, i'd be laughin at myself...when
i got into hip hop, i didn't think that..i didn't think that much..i dunno if it's good
or bad. i mean, it can be an obstracle for having confidence, but it can also make
u more aware of what u do, and in touch with reality, and therefore maybe easier "reach"
the people that "laugh" at you...

lately,i've been in my moms car and listening to poptunes on the radio, while she was
somewhere shoppin, i turned up the volume and it was dark outside...closed my eyes, and
got mad chills down my back..songs like Whitney songs...Craig David songs..Mel B songs..
just commercial hits , that give me chills...it's funny, i could get chills by Nas, or
Jay-z too i think..but alotta "Underground" hiphop i coudlnt'..i dunno. it just seems
to me that Nas has this realness in his appearance, makes me chilly.

oh yeah, then i thought of the matching hypothesis, someone breifly introduced me to that once,
concerining relationships that is.....i get it...usually you see people being with people
in their own league, lookwise..for a reason i believe...not a superficial one, but a way
more subconscious one...if you don't feel lucky to have each other, and yes, that means
looks too in most people's minds, it's very very hard to feel confirmed, which is
a huge part of a relationship...if you don't feel your partner's opinion confirms you
as if he or she was double as beautiful, well - then you don't get confirmed.
if you're with somebody beautiful, and she / he thinks you have the greatest smile, you
do feel more confirmed than if somebody less pretty said it. i'm pretty pretty sure
that this goes for most people, and people who says it don't, well cool. but i think
it's very few.anyways, my girl's gonna read this, and i know she don't like to talk
about looks. hehhehe, so maybe i should delete it? ahah.

hmm..basicly it hurts to be wack at something...i see 100 things i'm wack in, and i want
"force" myself to get better at them, not force, but it's just my persona i think.but the
time i spend gettin' good at these things is pretty hurtful...that's how i feel. nto always tho.
just right now..haha...it's funny...once i had taboos...stuff i didn't tell or talk about...
i think they've been crushed with age...i think i kept those things outta conversation to
make myself appear like somebody i wanted to appear as...but now, i say anything, anything
that pops into my mind...i don't feel the big deal about anything, at least not today haha.
today, i don't feel no big deal about sex. at easter i might (i'm gonna fuck my girlfriend).
what i'm saying is that..i know this other dude, he's alwways just talkin hsit, and saying
different stuff each day..i'm pretty sure none of it is descriping of his personality, and
yet it is...just not the opinions or things he say..it's like...with humor, i know there
are different forms of humor, and i think maybe, subcousiously (soon to be conscious mabye)
i try to master each kind...so i don't just have one humor, one vocabulary, one whatever.
i try to have alot. it's funny. i said "i hate people" some time ago to my girlfriend,
i guess she got kinda shocked or whatever, at least she asked to it, and if i meant ti and shit.
but i didn't mean shit by it, nothing at all..altho it's a pretty "big" statement to make..
i know i can mean something way more intense by somehitng so much less in "importance"..

by the way, i know this girl that get's really hype and shit sometimes. she just laugh mad
loud and sometimes just go krazy over small things..today i went to this advertising company,
and they had the illest reception, and i tripped so much over it, i repeated myself for ages,
cos i was in such awe, and I WAS pretty aware that "damn, i might sound like that idiotic girl
i know"..cos thats what i think of her, i don't thinks she's cool or ntohing...
and still i continued to trip over it, jumpin around and being pretty loud....it's funny,
cos i see this tendency at old people too...they are so fuckin' weird, and sometimes they
can come in with this mad self-reflectin' comment like "damn, what y'all think of me when
i'm actin' like this?"...astrid, you know what i mean - my grandma. i dunno, i just STILL
care too much waht people think? or maybe i just cant control myself intot he person i wanna be.
but all these things are true, arent theY? ayo. i think i'm done. aight...peace.

it's krazy, cos one moment i can say "damn, i suck. i'm ignorant"...and mean nothing by it. absolutely nothing.
and i realiez how people interpret it, like i got mad low esteem or something..it's just krazy. whatever.

i have fun writin' this. it ain't mad serious to me. but i can still get mad hurt if soembody thinks
i'm not funny or some shit....cos sometiems i get mad childish, and try to be funny i guess (that's not bad).
and it just gets too much..gets annoying...my other friend, said i was mostly fun when i didnt try to,
but i would like to choose when and when not to be. u knoW? control it...

i have fun.
one love