Kerouac says: It's such a haunting and pitiful thing to have to live.

Vonnegut says: We weren't asked to be born.

The importance of sleep is of utmost value. Have you ever felt like there were no traces of sleep left in your body? It is a grand feeling, and your body is thankful and your mind is refreshed. And you are willing to be more accepting of the things the machine makes you do. It is such a paradox when you consider that the machine is nothing but people like you and me who also need their minds refreshed. If only all of the people of the machine knew about generosity and were more serious about compassion and freedom, as well as sleep and rest, there might not even be a machine. I am part of the machine, but not the ruling part, and I think it's so easy to envision the people at the top of the machine as evil greedy men devoid of any spiritual affinity and the understanding of freedom for all. The top sounds like a great place to be, but an awful place to live. Nobody likes being a slave. Everybody should be free. How did we get to this point in the first place? How did I go from eating bull out of a cave to wearing Gucci sweaters? It is not a question I should think about. Once you are placed into this world, amongst the ugly and beautiful things, there is nothing left to do but to seek a fascination, and reach peace within that fascination.

Vonnegut says: Real research men only work on what fascinates them.

That's how his brother died, I think.

If I have any fascination with academic matters, it's certainly due to my immersion in academia since the tender age of 6. And though academia is a fascinating thing, I still wonder whether it is the adequate way to teach a young child about the world. I feel that one should learn about the world the same way a young wolf cub learns about the forest, by approaching things with innocence and curiosity. I feel sad when I think about the way we impose when teaching a child. We say that the elephant is big, but it's only big because it is next to small things. I'd like to teach them that there is no rules, there is no conventions, I'd want them to approach an elephant and decide how to define it from their natural instincts, not from an encyclopedia. I'd want them to look at the sun without anyone telling them that it is the sun, and I want them to call it whatever they want, God, Mother, Father, whatever, I just want them to acquire the natural knowledge which is originally contained within them, which is peaceful, and of which men is capable. Only after their mind has been developped in that natural way, will they be ready for the world as we currently know it, with definitions and conventions. My belief in this idea is only existent due to my belief in the idea of oneness with the world (recent Zen fascination). The greatest thing that ever happened is to know that nothing ever happened, that nothing will happen and that nothing is happening right now. The understanding of this is supposed to bring tears to your eyes.

I don't know if you know this, but Zen Lunatics, Dharma Bums, and Buddhist Monks, party all the time. They drink, they smoke, they play yabyum (which is SEX with Boddihtsva (which is HOT WOMEN) ), they write poetry, they read books. I don't think I can live without my materialism, but I can be at peace with the understanding that my materialism is superficial, therefore does not really exist, therefore I have made my mind think that I need it when in REALITY I could do away with it. We are so foolish in our desires, which we believe are stronger than the willpower of our mind. I think achieving this understanding will never necessarily mean that I must be devoid of any of my superfluous commodities (artgirls, movies, money, lacoste shirts), but it mostly means that I can be more at peace with myself and be less succeptible to feeling dissapointments (which is a terrible feeling). I mean, I just saw this girl walk by and I want to fuck her in the ass, I've been wanting to fuck her in the ass for over 3 weeks now. She always looks in my direction when she walks by my cubicle. She is totally not my type, but I can't help it, I'd like to fuck her in the ass! Lust is not unpure. Celibacy is not pure. There are no conventions, and no matter what you do there is always the certainty that you are free, that is my Zen for now. I can go and buy me a Subway Sandwhich, some beers, rent a movie, call a fuckfriend, pay for her cabfare, get a High Fidelity poster, buy a ticket to see Bjork, buy a Bjork t-shirt for 50 dollars, I can do all those things and still understand that they do not really happen, that they are dependant on my mind for them to exist. For, if I had no mind to acknowledge the existence of an orange, what would the orange be? The orange is dependant on the mind. If I had no body to see or feel the beautiful girl, what would the girl be? Nothingness, emptyness, it wouldn't exist. Do you see how your mind is the most wonderful thing in the universe? Now, do you see how it is also the most useless? Thank God there is such a thing as the golden eternity, the original idea. And I insist you do what you want to do; your freedom is what matters to me.

Kerouac Haiku:

If you do not understand this scripture, do away with it
If you do understand this scripture, do away with it. I insist
on your freedom.

Nihilism? Anarchy? Who knows? They are just words.

I know this is just a phase, bare with me, kris.

Lastly, Kerouac says (and i think this is good): "Are we fallen angels who didn't want to believe that nothing is nothing (zen) so were born to lose our loved ones and dear friends one by one and finally our own life, just to see it proved?"...

But here I am now, in the dusty gritty streets of Montreal downtown, looking for a fix to this nervous energy which possesses me constantly, and urges me to write these words to you, and deep inside my soul I feel thirsty for beer, sex, books, music, movies, art, friendship, and love.

On another note, you wanna hear about a fucked up kind of love? Well, I work at a helpdesk so I have to help users with their computer problems. Sometimes I happen to solve a really important problem for them and in their rejoicement from getting out of desperate situation they tell me: "I love you, you're the best!". The problem is that I don't love them, not at all. I hate solving their problems, it's just something I get money for. So they fall in love with me because I do something nice for them, but they didn't do shit for me so I have no reason to fall in love with them. In other words, you should never say "i love you" to a person just because they have done something for you (maybe affected you in a deep emotional way), if you haven't done anything emotionally gratifying for them. I felt that Liz had affected me very deeply emotionally; I also felt that I had done the same, therefore I felt justified during my declaration. Life is almost undecypherable.